The Real 12 Days O' Christmas
I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.
With dearest love and affection, Agnes
Today the postman brought your very sweet gift. Just imagine, two turtle
doves.... I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift. They are just
All my love, Agnes
Oh, aren't you the extravagant one! Now I must protest. I don't deserve
such generosity. Three french hens. They are just darling but I must
insist.... you're just too kind.
Today the postman delivered four calling birds. Now really! They are
beautiful, but don't you think enough is enough? You're being too romantic.
What a surprise! Today the postman delivered five golden rings. One for
each finger. You're just impossible, but I love it. Frankly, John, all
those squawking birds were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love, Agnes
When I opened the door there were actually six geese a-laying on my front
steps. So you're back to the birds again, huh? Those geese are huge. Where
will I ever keep them? The neighbors are complaining and I can't sleep
through the racket. PLEASE STOP!
What's with you and those fucking birds???? Seven swans a-swimming. What
kind of goddam joke is this? There's bird shit all over the house and they
never stop the racket. I'm a nervous wreck and I can't sleep all night.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.......So stop with the fucking birds.
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do with eight maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and eight maids a-milking,
but they had to bring their own goddam cows. There is shit all over the
lawn and I can't move into my own house. Just lay off me. SMART ASS.
What are you? Some kind of sadist? Now there's nine pipers playing. And
Christ - do they play. They never stopped chasing those maids since they
got here yesterday morning. The cows are upset and stepping all over those
screeching birds. No wonder they screech. What am I going to do? The
neighbors have started a petition to evict me. You'll get yours.
You Rotten Prick:
Now there's ten ladies dancing - I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those nine pipers all night long. Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a river of shit.
The commisioner of buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why the
building shouldn't be condemned. I'm siccing the police on you.
One who means it, Ag
What's with the eleven lords a-leaping on those maids and aforementioned
"ladies"? Some of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran
through the maids and have been commiting sodomy with the cows. All 234 of
the birds are dead. They have been trampled to death in the orgy. I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten swine.
Your sworn enemy, Miss Agnes McCallister
December 25th (From the Law Offices of Taeker, Spredar, and Baegar)
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of tweleve fiddlers fiddling, which
you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McCallister. The
destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should come to our
attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McCallister at Happy Dale
Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on sight. With
this letter, please find attached a warrant for your arrest.