Members of Congress... people of America... I banged her. I banged
her like a cheap gong. Which is not news, folks, because if you think
Monica Lewinsky was the only skin flute player in my orchestra, you haven't
been paying attention. The only babes in D.C. I haven't tried to do are
the First Lady, Reno, Albright, and Shalala, mostly because they're a
little older than I like and they have legs that former Houston Oiler Earl
Campbell would envy.
Which isn't to say I don't appreciate Hillary...I do. If not for
the ice-water coursing through her veins, I'd be pumping gas into farm
equipment in Hope, Arkansas, and she'd be married to the President.
So, let me set the record straight. I dodged the draft, hid FBI
files, smoked dope, flipped Whitewater property, set up a new Korean wing in
the White House, fired the travel staff, paid hush money to Hubbell, sold
the Lincoln bedroom like an upscale Motel 6, and grabbed every ass that
entered the Oval Office.
Got it? Good.
Six years ago, there's not a man, woman, or child who didn't know I
was as horny as Woody Allen. But you elected me anyway, which turned out to
be a good move on your part. Your other choice was Bush, an aging baseball
player and part-time resident of some place called "Kennebunkport" who
thought he could bomb his way into the White House.
Before him, it was Reagan, who left the office with the same
Alzheimer's he came in with.
There was Carter before him who brought you a 17% prime interest
rate, smiling the whole time like his lithium drip had just kicked in.
Nixon before that coined, but never really understood, the concept
of 'plausible deniability,' and almost got a one-way ticket to San Clemente
for his crackerjack style of governing.
Johnson was an inbred, power-mad war criminal whose major
contribution to American society was Agent Orange.
And John Kennedy, who was a little naughty himself, didn't hang
around long enough for America to spot that curious atavistic tic for
"beaver-wrestling" shared by at least a dozen former residents of the White
Which brings me back to my point. Since I have been strumming the
banjo here at the White House, government is doing more for less. The budget
is balanced for the first time since JFK did a one gun salute to Marilyn, a
fact the press didn't seem to care about, evidently.
Unemployment is so low today a blind felon can get a job as a
night-watchman. And the stock market is higher than a D-student on a full
gram of dumb-dust, and anyone with a degree from a junior college who can
spell 'internet' has enough money to ponder the annual maintenance cost of
his boat, instead of where his or her next meal is coming from.
Bottom line: I'm running a country here and I'm doing it with my
pecker showing. What I'm asking for is your support, not a date with your
daughter... unless, of course, she's a hotty with thin ankles, and then I'd
like to discuss it.
In the meantime, think about where you are today and what kind of
life you're living before you get too interested in where I'm parking the
Thank you. Good night and God bless America.