Will the Real Dummy Please Stand Up?!|
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine
months, saying he lacked "intellectual leadership".
He received a $26 million severance package.
Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence...
With a Little Help from Our Friends!
Police in Oakland, California spent two hours
attempting to subdue a gunman who had
barricaded himself inside his home. After firing ten
tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man
was standing beside them, shouting please to
come out and give himself up...
And What Was Plan B?
An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped
a motorist and forced him to drive to two different
automated teller machines. The kidnapper then
proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank
And These Nitwits Are Teaching Our Children?!!
A 9-year-old boy in Manassas, Virginia received a
one-day suspension under his elementary school's
drug policy last week - for Certs! Joey Hoeffer
allegedly told a classmate that the mints would
make him "jump higher."
And a student in Belle, West Virginia was
suspended for three days for giving a classmate a
cough drop. School principal Forest Mann
reiterated the school's "zero-tolerance" policy...not
to be confused with the "zero-intelligence" policy...
Some Days, It Just Doesn't Pay to Gnaw Through
Fire investigators on Maui have determined the
cause of a blaze that destroyed a $127,000 home
last month - a short in the homeowner's newly
installed fire alarm system. "This is even worse
than last year," said the distraught homeowner,
"when someone broke in and stole my new security
And for the Main Course...
A man in Taormina, Italy was hospitalized after
swallowing 46 teaspoons, 2 cigarette lighters, and
a pair of salad tongs.
A man walked in to a Topeka, Kansas "Kwik
Shop", and asked for all the money in the cash
drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he
tied up the store clerk and worked the counter
himself for three hours until police showed up and
Do-It-Yourself Brain Surgery?!
In Ohio, an unidentified man in his late twenties
walked into a police station with a 9-inch wire
protruding from his forehead and calmly asked
officers to give him an X-ray to help him find his
brain, which he claimed had been stolen. Police
were shocked to learn that the man had drilled a
6-inch deep hole in his skull with a Black & Decker
power drill and had stuck the wire in to try and find
the missing brain.
Have I Got a Deal for You!
More than 600 people in Italy wanted to ride in a
spaceship badly enough to pay $10,000 a piece
for the first tourist flight to Mars. According to the
Italian police, the would-be space travelers were
told to spend their "next vacation on Mars, amid
the splendors of ruined temples and painted
deserts. Ride a Martian camel from oasis to oasis
and enjoy the incredible Martian sunsets. Explore
mysterious canals and marvel at the views. Trips to
the moon also available." Authorities believe that
the con men running this scam made off with over
six million dollars...
In Medford, Oregon, a 27-year-old jobless man with
an MBA blamed his college degree for his murder
of three people. "There are too many business
grads out there," he said. "If I had chosen another
field, all this may not have happened..."
Did I Say That?!
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery
suspect who just couldn't control himself during a
lineup. When detectives asked each man in the
lineup to repeat the words, "Give me all your money
or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I
Ouch, That Smarts!
A bank robber in Virginia Beach got a nasty
surprise when a dye pack designed to mark stolen
money exploded in his Fruit-of-the-Looms. The
robber apparently stuffed the loot down the front of
his pants as he was running out the door. "He was
seen hopping and jumping around," said police
spokesman Mike Carey, "with an explosion taking
place inside his pants." Police have the man's
charred trousers in custody...
Are We Not Communicating?
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is
pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes
apart!" "Is this her first child?" the emergency
operator asked. "No, you idiot!" the man shouted.
"This is her husband!"
Not the Sharpest Knife in the Drawer!
In Modesto, CA, Steven Richard King was arrested
for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch
without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger
to simulate a gun, but unfortunately, he failed to
keep his hand in his pocket. Hmmm...wonder what
he uses for a knife?